Salted Caramel Cheesecake

Caution: Sarcasm and embellishment lies below.

The Cake Tin
It measures 255mm on the inside with a depth of 78mm. This gives you an available volume of just over 3.5L.
Why am I telling you this? If you’ve got a smaller cake tin, then you’ll have to use a smaller amount. Feel free to disregard this, but don’t come crying to me when you’re using a bowl to make the rest of the cake.

Here’s what to get at the shops for the:
500g Arnott’s Scotch Fingers
120g Salted Butter.

Salted Caramel Sauce
2 cups of Castor Sugar
180g Salted Butter
250ml of Double Cream
2 Teaspoons of Salt. Pick your best tasting salt.

Cheesecake Filling
1kg Philadelphia Cream Cheese
300ml Thickened Cream
75ml Full Cream Milk
1/3 of a cup of icing sugar
1.5Tbsp of Gelatin Powder
150ml of boiling water.

Now ultimately the only things that matter here, are that you:
1. Don’t mix the gelatin powder and boiling water into the mixture too soon. It’s the setting agent, so don’t do it until it’s time to pour over the base.
2. Speaking of the base, feel free to make that ahead of time. It’ll hold in the fridge over night if necessary.
3. Lastly, make the filling before the caramel sauce. The caramel sauce will need to be put into the cake filling quickly, so have it ready.

Now. What to do with all this stuff.
The Rebel Base
1. Preheat your oven to 180C. This was done in a fan-forced oven. If you’ve got a convention oven, please join us in this century.
2. Turn your Scotch Fingers into lots and lots of smaller pieces of them. A food processor will make short work of this, but if you want to work out some anger, use a sledge hammer. As long as they all end up as a powder that is hygienic, it doesn’t matter.
3. Using either a large bowl or stand mixer, put the remnants of your biscuits into it and melt the butter in the microwave, or over the stove. The Microwave means less to clean, but I’ll leave that up to you. I’m not your supervisor.
4. Mix them together thoroughly. Press it into the base of your cake tin and put it in your over for 8 minutes. Remove it and let it cool as you continue.

The Non-Dental Filling (Part 1)
1. Put your cream cheese and milk into your mixing apparatus.
2. Mix them thoroughly. (Using room temperature cream cheese helps it mix easier.)
a) If you have a stand mixer, let it mix as you continue, there’s no downfall to overmixing this. If not, mix and let it sit.
Note: Make sure you mix everything in! Scrape the sides and get the bottom.

The Caramel Source (This is not a fast process. Don’t rush it!)
1. Cut the butter into smaller, manageable pieces. 10-12 is ideal. Set it aside.
2. Crush the salt into a fine powder that is as fine as possible. If you like biting into giant chunks of sea bed, then don’t crush it.
3. Using low-medium heat (100C is perfect for this.) Melt your castor sugar. The method of melting is up to you, but I’d lean away from the illegal flame-thrower you made for your nephew. It’s too aggressive. Use an implement that will give you the best scraping power. A flat spatula is fine. But if you prefer a spoon or sword, it’s your choice. Whatever your choice may be, continuously stir this mixture as it cooks!
4. As it melts, it will start to clump up. This is normal. The clumps will get bigger and then start to turn brown. Again. Normal.
5. The mixture will start to caramelise and melt in the pan. When this occurs, this sauce is very susceptible to burning. If you start to smell burning at all, remove it from the heat source immediately. Once you do, stir swiftly until the smell stops, then return it to the heat.
6. Once it dissolves completely, begin to add the butter 1-2 pieces at a time. It will bubble so prepare yourself with whatever stress-relieving mechanisms you require.
7. When all the butter has been absorbed into your mixture, add the double cream in, one spoon at a time. It works best when room temp, but if you add it when it’s as cold as superfluid helium, then add smaller amounts.
8. Continue to mix thoroughly. The mixture will bubble slightly. Make sure you scrape all the spills that went up the side of your frying pan or saucepan into this so everything is incorporated.
9. Let it simmer and cook for a minute or two, to make sure everything is cooked together.
10. You have two choices at this point.
a) You can mix in a quarter of your salt mixture and set the mixture aside. This sauce can be used as a regular caramel sauce.
b) Mix in all the salt and continue with this recipe.
11. Assuming you’ve continued with the recipe and you’ve mixed all the salt into this mixture, take this over to your bowl of filling.

The Filling (Part 2)
3. Whip the thickened cream along with the icing sugar.
4. Fold the whipped cream into the filling. Now when I say fold, I just mean to gently mix with a spatula or spoon. Don’t put it in your stand mixer and use the ‘Create a vortex to another plane of existence’ setting.
5. Now. Using a spoon of your choice whether it be a ladle, a melon baller or…. something else, it doesn’t matter. Add about a third of your caramel sauce into the batter and stir slowly. Once it’s all been incorporated, taste it. If it is not to your liking, add more sauce in small batches until it tastes just right.
Note: Aim to keep about 70ml of your caramel sauce for drizzling over the top. If you don’t want to, it’s not my problem that you have nothing for aesthetic appeal to put on the top. So don’t come crying to me.
6. Boil the water and mix in the gelatin powder. It sounds simple, but the gelatin powder will clump together in a picosecond. Use a jug and small whisk (or fork) and stir vigorously until you create a vortex powerful enough to pull the kraken back down and add the powder a small amount at a time. This will save you a lot of hassle. (Trust me.)
8. Once this is fully mixed, add it to your filling and stir thoroughly.

Finishing the cooking bit of this recipe.
1. If you have more sauce left over, you can pour it over the base and make a nice treat for the bottom of the bite. If you don’t (or don’t want to…. {this is the weirder option}) then pour the mixture over the base until the mixture bowl is empty.
2. If you do have some caramel sauce left to drizzle, using a honey dipper, a spoon, your fingers or a stick, sway the item over the cake. It will automatically make the sweet swirls in the above photograph.
3. Cover the cake with cling wrap and put it flat in the fridge for ideally, 36 hours for a cake this big. You can do overnight, but it will not set as well.

When it comes time to eat.
1. If I need to tell you to take a cake out of its tin before attempting to cut it, then I weep for you. Take the cake out of the tin and place it on a cutting surface. Cut into the desired size and cut it however you like. I don’t care. This room is 38 degrees.

Other Portion Options
If you want to do smaller portions and make cupcake or muffin sized mini-cheesecakes, then just do exactly the same steps above, with this adjustment.
– Cook the bases for 4 minutes and check on them. There should be a golden brown edge to indicate that it’s ready.

That’s it!
I hope you were joyfully informed with this recipe.

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